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Oct. 17th, 2013

Orange Gerbra

Looking up..

Well he called me later today & yes all the encouraging texts I've been sending him have helped along with another friend wow has also been sending him support so he sounded much better on the phone. *does a happy shake* However I think he wants to quit & I support him on whatever decision he makes because Id rather him be self-employed & happy than overworked & miserable & for as long as we've been together things have always been ok financially. so I'm not worried.
I mean I am volunteering at a place that used to pay me but with transition of new owners/new name but same type of business there is not enough money to pay me yet but I am willing to help out as I will get paid once it takes off & will be reimbursed for the volunteering.
Also if he's home more he can help me get the house back in shape so I can hopefully take some art classes again & get the motivation to get my art out the door. I know I will be doing something great & I will become prosperous at it I am just having so much trouble getting started & sticking with it.
Orange Gerbra

Tough job

This morning was a little rough. My partner s starting to become burnt out with his job & woke up at 5 am. dreading it. I feel for him terribly after having a previous job of the same type-overworked, underpaid & unappreciated. The clients he takes care of are very happy with his work ethic & care for what they need whether they ask for it or not but the companies he works for are all about politics & demand that he not be so helpful & out of his way. !? What the hell! 90% is about making sure the customer is happy so why would they ask such a thing?...Damn politics. He works so hard & never gets a full day off yet they demand more from him, they're sucking his life away & keeping him from me for hours. I tell him to just think about the how happy the people he has helped & how they love how great he is & that helps a bit but he's not the kind of guy to act so snobby & corporate. He loves to help anyone with anything & is so friendly & outgoing- I know this isn't what he wants to do but in these hard times it's tough getting the dream job & make a decent living with it.
I wish I knew how to help & make him feel better when he comes home. I can only do so much by taking care of things at home & being cheerful as possible when he's around & of course show him how much I love him the minute he walks in that door.
I hope his day goes well & that things will get better...

Oct. 16th, 2013

Butterflies

Year so far in my spirit..

Things have been very trying in the past year.. Sooo many trials of not only friendship but my relationship with my significant other & with myself. Sometimes I wonder if it's worth being involved with some of the people I know, just have had the urge to say goodbye although when you don't have many friends to begin with you sort of hold on to what you have & try to work things out like a marriage. Since I was younger I've noticed thai I have become more & more sensitive as the years progress that everything little negative thing affects me & I am just amazed how strong my feelings are now. I have become more of a hermit & refuse to watch or read things that I used to be able to handle but cannot longer do anymore,I just can't figure out where this is coming from  unless it's a type of hormonal thing as I am now in those stage areas of my life. Sometimes in my mind I pretend I am this super hero kicking ass toward the 'bad-guys" to make myself feel better of what I am lacking in reality. Even an physical pain like hair pulling, a cleaning at the dentist or a bump against the table will just hurt like hell & I get so frustrated at myself for being tougher, makes me feel a little inadequate.
Just being around people who are not in a great place at that timeI can feel so drained & sad & it makes the rest of the day miserable because I don't know how to release what I was just around. When I remember I try to protect myself before I leave the house but much as I try I still forget. All the people I spend time with(whether I want to or not) are going through a really hard time right now & I can't just say "hey can you not be this way around me- your making me feel so down" that's just a rude thing to say to someone so I just try to mentally go somewhere else but sometimes it doesn't always work.
I hope to get more of my life in line so I won't be hanging around some of the people I have trouble with. SOme of them I really want to help but there's just not much I can do where others are just really not the type of personI normally hang around but have no choice.

I miss going places that I am unable to visit or see the people I really want to be around. I'm hoping my partner can spend more time with me because I really need that right now.. & more friends nearby.

Oct. 2nd, 2013

Orange Gerbra

Food ponder....

Don't you ever want to just go from restaurant to restaurant, cafe to cafe trying everything on their menu? Not because you're in a mood & want nothing but comfort food but to just see whats out their in a matter of days? To sit in the ambience sip your tea or coffee & just be? I went to visit my mother & my aunt came in & said I just came from this cafe & the pastry was so delicious that she wanted to lick the plate.. What she said today made me think mostly Of how much I want to sample lots of things but how a certain way of thinking will immediately shut that thought away. I am on a budget. I am watching what I eat. It sounds crazy. I am to uptight about going out there & just doing it. If I die tomorrow & realize what I didn't do will I hate myself?

Everything I've always wanted is right outside my comfort zone & taking that one step can be sooooo hard to do. I know part of me will be happy I did but I also wonder how happy?

Jul. 11th, 2013

Orange Gerbra

The Wind Outside My Window

The wind howls outside my window wanting to come & have tea, I refuse to let it though for the wind can be tricky & blow from every direction & then quickly change it's mind. On deciding to not invite my neighbor the wind in I head downstairs to the study & curl up in my favorite chair next to the fire thinking about my life & what I had done to have gotten where I am, so many roads & so many holes & stones I had hit yet somehow I managed to make it through regarldess of the trouble i had on the way & smiled to myself for having the courage to make it & come out so strong. I rememberd how scared i was of everything in my path- even what I had just gone through to get where i was. I stopped so many times & stod still for many a long while wondering what might happen if I took the next step. Will it be the wrong step or the right step I would ponder or if I didn't make a step at all what might I have just missed by not moving forward.
So many things that kept me stone still & looking back on my reactions I know am able to laugh at myself without embarassement of how silly I was to be so afraid of the unknown. Sometimes I am a little sad of the many things I missed out on & wished just a little that I had done things differently but I also think that I am not the first person to have such thoughts. I am happy with how things turned out because if I might have done the things I wished I did perhaps I wouldn't be where I am today.....
I bet my neighbor the wind never had such thoughts floating about in his head, I bet he just let himself wander & experienced the adventure where ever he ended up for that moment & was happy with it.
Regardless of his trickery in my eyes he's very wise indeed.
I would like to have tea with the wind someday & then go on a walk to explore what he does without wondering what might happen & live in the moment as he does...

Jun. 30th, 2013

Orange Gerbra

Myself

Been re-evaluating things & yes I am one to hold grudges & yes I am a prideful person(runs in the family sadly) but my spirit tells me to lighten up & take no offense, live "my" life & not someone else's & to enjoy, love & laugh everything. Always had trouble doing that though.... especially because of the way above. Once in a while I will be told to pay attention more & to let things go otherwise I will not move forward. So many imbalances that drive me up & down causing these issues to happen many many times yet I can't get myself out of the circle. Although I have learned so much since I first began this journal & have improved myself considerably from who I used to be, there's alwasy room for improvement though :)

Jun. 17th, 2013

Orange Gerbra

(no subject)

Well it's been 2 weeks since my friends acted like childish people & I'm hoping they all learned a lesson. Haven't really talked to any them yet but mostly because I'm actually enjoying the distance for now, just not sure when I plan on contacting them. It's the best thing for me right now & when I'm ready things can pick up where they left off. Maybe. Doing lots of thinking & sort of hearing what might be going on but after what happened I'm having trouble believing all their stories, I've lost respect for 2 of them & the other there was any there but I still like her. I feel used also from everyone one who played the sympathy card the whole time & got me to help her out when I know she didn't even need it & the other didn't seem to trust my judgment after all the years we been together. The 3rd person just bugs the shit out of me & never liked to begin with.
I know things got out of porpotion & they were'nt bad as they have told me it was but at the time I was pushed & pulled on either side into believing their stories from the energy the sent my way & am now feeling like a fool for trusting any of them.

I'm not sure I want to give up the distance.....

Wish I could move somewhere thats good for me..... this area used to make me feel free but now it is starting to get to me. Now I know why my aunt moves every so often. Ya stay till you've learned what you can & move on to the next adventure. Today I've decided I'd like to go to England, all that green & wonderful history & ancient secret magical energy.

May. 19th, 2013

scary monster

something happened then it didn't

Sometimes things make sense but don't make sense at the same time.
Lately my boss thinks I have no potential to do the work I do, yet yesterday I was tipped 35 $ between 2 projects I did for customers. Today I went on a job interview & was told I did have potential but wasn't fast enough. & my current manager said they were all crazy & that I'm doing incredible work only need more experience. This isn't what I want my life to be fully about anyway so I don't feel the need to try harder than I care to. Most likely why the job interview wasn't a success but that's ok, I tried, made the effort & learned more about myself :) I pretty much knew the outcome & was braced for it only was a little disappointed but everyone hates rejection in any form. I'm a lazy person sometimes so me actually going out there for something was a big success for me. I was up all night practicing for today so I was extremely tired for the tests they gave me to do. Plus the place was sooo noisy, & messy & all the jobs I have had weren't, I like the more quieter jobs yet I have lots to do. There is another field that I have done but not for a long time, haven't pursued it yet from being burnt out the last time but maybe now might be the right time to go for it.

Right now I'm feeling blah & down from today..... really want comfort food or something to perk up my mood.... I'm also tired but I don't like sleeping in the middle of the day. MMmmmmm waffles *drools* My BF said he'd take me to get some later so yay!.....feel slightly better after typing this out :) LJ I love you!

May. 9th, 2013

scary monster

Worked sucked lalala I know......

GRRRR! Work sucked again, busy busy weekend & someone just had to quit making more work for everyone to do! I wasn't even supposed to come in today, I could have said no but my manager was so upset & breaking down I had no choice. If she wasn't a good friend I really wouldn't have cared, I mean the stupid business is closing soon & everyone is having trouble keeping it together enough to stay & help a person who deserves to go out of business. Hell one of the reviews I saw on yelp was I hope you crash & burn! Wow that's bad, never saw such a review before. This was even before I started working there & all about how bad the owner is yet people keep coming back because they love the manager & sadly the owner doesn't even realize that, how blind can you be! She wasn't even at work today either & she just got back from a weeks vacation & she's ditching us to deal with the busy weekend alone. I really can't wait till the store closes.
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May. 6th, 2013

scary monster

Tooth. Ow. This Stinks :(

Agh! My tooth hurts! Hate the dentist though :(
Today was the last straw so I did call & made an apt, but I know I will have to have something big done & I'm not looking forward to it. Was hoping to get in this week but I know my stuck up snob of a crumby boss will whine(yes whine not behave in the correct way but whine) that she needs me at work & will actually complain to her manager who is a great friend of mine who will tell me how annoying our boss is. Sheesh!
I can't wait till her business closes because I'm tired of putting up with a boss who not only is evading her taxes but can't manage the business for crap which is why she is closing soon. I thought after the hotel job i would find something better, I sorta did because I would be working with my good friend again but the owner she works for is really awful. I wanted to help her out since she is overworked & underpaid & wanted to start a business of her own & I said I go with her but this is taking way too long to get going. That was a year ago & I'm still at this crumby job helping her out, although a whole heck of a lot has happened since then, some bad & some good. Not sure about the guy she's seeing though he's not really the most responsible person & is kinda controlling but he is nice... sorta- not abusive in a bad way like hitting or verbal abusing just wants her around all the time & doesn't like to leave her sight, very insecure guy, getting to be annoying actually. Now they're having a baby & I'm worried that baby will end up with tattoos @ age 9 & likes the smell of weed. I pray everything will work out, I know she's very set in her ways & is a very responsible person but the pregnancy will be hard on her with her illness & all & may leave her to recuperate a while so I'm hoping her BF will do the right things. I will also do my best to help only she lives almost an hour away. I hope she can find a place for the new business in the middle travel wise.
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