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Oct. 10th, 2015


(no subject)


When you're sleepy, it kind of makes you let your guard down & it's super easy to put your foot in your mouth. Also if you're in a really good place you want to say what you feel & afterwards you sleep & wake up, you are feeling really stupid as you can change you mind once your mind resets. So I possibly have regret from what I said & it might be something I can't talk my way out of this time. I won't know how I feel truly until I hear back & I'm really nervous about it. What have I done? How could I have said that? I knew what was going on from his side & I knew I had the ammo & how dangerous it was but I was so vulnerable that I said it before thinking about whether it was a good idea or not. How can I fix this? What can I possibly say that would make this seem like it meant nothing as I might actually didn't? He asked me a question & I frooze up to afraid of my actual feelings & just ran away. I really need to know how he feels about what I said but I am afraid of the answer no matter what it is. We both let our guard down, I want to blame him for starting it but I am the one who found him so I feel it is my fault way before this happened. I don't know what my true feelings are since it's been many years ago & we haven't seen each other since, just talked. Just old lingering feelings from someone who I never truly got to know. So what are these feelings? & how can I get rid of them if it wasn't meant to be? The grass is always greener they say so how could I possibly know if we would work out? How can I face myself if this falls to pieces?

Aug. 30th, 2015


Stupid Life

Some times life just isnt fair the way it toys with us poor humans. I swear we are all just mice & once in a while we want to play dead to we can miss the stuff we are not willing to face.

I wanted to speak to this guy years ago & never had the courage, he moved away & that helped me take another road instead, I was happy for a bit & now that has faded away & i want something great to happen to me. I finally got up the nerve to reach out to this person after all these years to find out he felt the same way only our lives are in very different places now & are kinda stuck where they are for the moment. I feel so foolish & awkward for saying so many things I just blurted out & I know he feels the same. But on the other hand I no longer have that regret about the "what if". Ugh! I dislike that phrase, it's something that's not easy to think about & it can drive you insane.

I can't really tell if all this happened for a reason, am I ready for this now? I was tired of not taking a leap so I just held my breath & jumped not even thinking about where I would land but just gave it up to fate to land me somewhere safe. I thought that I would never see or speak to this person again & now out of no where something made it happen. I want it to be for good & be a happy chance but at this moment after all the awkward happened I must now play the waiting game - which is never fun. But if I gave it to fate the first time then I should do it again & trust I will land on my feet. Please land on my feet!

Sep. 27th, 2014


Destiny maybe?

Don't you ever feel like you were made to do something really great? I look at the people around me that I know & a lot of them have the worst luck ever. It seems they can't catch a break & once they finally get out of a bad situation something else bad happens to them. I look at what I go through & discover "hey my life isn't really all that bad", other for the fact that I'm lost in what I want to do with my life I'm not poor, sick or my car is always breaking down or have an abusive partner in any way. I really wonder sometimes how I am more fortunate than my friends? I'm not complaining or anything & that I should be in worse situations but I do wonder what I'm doing or not doing that I'm doing much better than them? I'm very happy & grateful for what I have & yes there are a few bumps I go up against at times but compare to them mine aren't that bad. I should remember this every time I think my life sucks.

But back to the first question I started with, maybe I'm destined to do somethng really awesome which is why I'm not struggling so much. That great thing is around the corner, even though it may be a loooong corner to my ego but in reality it's closer than I realize. Bah! Darn you ego! How dare you fight with me & make me feel bad in any way.
I just feel that I gotta be something great in the future if my life is not beating down on me so hard or maybe it's because my fear of everything has made me imobile to not make the daring life changing move that other people do all the time & achieve something great or will be able to say "yea I made in a move in my life so I can say at the end of my time that at least I tried".

Part of me really knows I will be great I just need to jump in & not fear what's in front of me.

Sep. 25th, 2014

Orange Gerbra

Bad Day...

So today I guess was the last straw for me at one of my jobs. My best friends my boss so it is a different way of working than other jobs I have. I have been wanting to quit there for a while because as we all know if you shouldn't live with your best friend then you shouldn't work for them either. There has been alot of drama back & forth in both of our lives & we bring it to work also I'm not happy with what I do & I guess it was really showing today so after the day was over we both decided that I should quit. Kinda glad as I didn't know how else to do it but I wish it was in a different way. We are still best friends but it just wasn't a good day is all. Hope things will get better job wise though, I really want a job I'm happy getting out of bed for.

Sep. 23rd, 2014

Orange Gerbra

(no subject)

Bah!!! Damn Damn Damn!!!.... Just needed to say that. Why does today suck? Why? I woke up just feeling off & thats it & it set the rest of the day off as well. I know tomorrow will be different I know it will. Once I finish writing all this out I will calm down & things will get better as I vented it all out. Just sittin here watchin the New Girl & laughin my ass off at the weirdness & really goofy personality of it all. See I feel better already, knew that would happen.
It's also really hot today & it's actually too hot to want to do anything so that can definetly make a person feel very blah.

Might or might not add more later but feel better now so yea!!! Although to bored.......hmmm what to do....

Sep. 22nd, 2014


(no subject)

How can a person act so horrrible & think what they're doing is ok? How do they not see that their actions are causing more problems for themsleves? It baffles the mind really. I am supporting a friend in court & her ex-boyfriend is actually arguing with the judge & his own lawyer. You know someone is stupid when their own lawyer tells them to stop talking. I wish I was able to record it because it was priceless on how moronic he was & just did'nt know when to keep his mouth shut. How can someone be that way? I don't understand their side or can even try to look through that persons eyes & see or hear what they are that's different from what I'm witnessing? Sheesh, just unbelieveale that's all. I guess thats what all the terrible people in life must be like, some how they see & hear something so different from what the rest of us do & that makes them the way they are..... maybe.

And now that I'm home from all that, I'm so drained & tired. Need a pick me up from all that negative energy but it's too late in the day to nap..... nuts

Nov. 10th, 2013

Orange Gerbra

Stupid caffeine

Don't ya hate when you have all these things you want or need to do & you feel so overloaded & hyper you don't know where or how to start? My day has been like that & haven't got a thing started. I'm just walkin around like a a hyper active zombie. The house doesn't really need cleaned but then again it does, theres cooking to do but the cleaning gets in the way. I could do some art but I can't sit still, I want to sit & do nothing but at the same time I feel too edgy & can't sit still for that. I'm tired but wired & the house feels to closed in yet I really don't feel up to being outside... Sheesh!

Me & caffeine just don't mix. You'd think I'd learn that by now....

Nov. 5th, 2013

Orange Gerbra

(no subject)

I find myself on a type of downward slope today. Mostly because I seem to hold grudges which I find to be one of things I dislike about myself. I try talking myself into letting it go which will work for a while till something reminds of the situation & the grudge comes ringing my doorbell yet again. Journaling & posting here seem to be the only help of keeping me from constantly thinking about the stupid little things that keep me ranting & arguing with myself for days.

I'm tired of the job/volunteering I am doing mostly because of the drama that's been going on & for the fact that I'm not getting paid for the hard work I've been doing. I don't mind it sometimes when I get a project to do that I've been wanting to do but that's not happening enough for me to want to stay there. I just don't have the passion for this. I'm tired of my bosses b/f hanging around with his attitude toward everything & for the fact that this person is dripping with negative energy so much there seems to be a fog in the building & it feel so heavy it's amazing. It doesn't matter if he's in a good mood either because this is past issues that will never be dealt with & he's just plain annoying at times. I do the best I can by drifting somewhere else in my mind but it's a small business so he's there alllll the time. :P
I would like to quit but the boss is a type of friend & I feel if I leave then the business will plummet. I've already been "blamed" for something similar in the past by another now ex-friend & would not like it to happen again but I'm also tired of taking care of someone else's dreams & not mine. Although I'm still unsure what mine are or at least what my passion is.

Also my pets have been on the bully-train & are always fighting. Things were going so well yet until maybe 2 or 3 days ago they started this whole territorial beef with each other & I'm so tired of breaking them up. The last time this was going on was because I was sick & stressed out over a friendship spat that I swear they felt it so strongly they took it out on each other. At first it used to be just the 2 domain cats against each other, now it's everybody. My only conclusion is because myself & partner are both going through difficult times & are bringing it home & driving the animals to fight amongst themselves. I keep talking about how a vacation will release all this but there is never anytime for both of us to have the days off together.
See after getting this all out I already feel better & have answered some troubling questions by doing so. :)

Oct. 22nd, 2013


Odd Motivation....

You know how certain things that you listen to or watch that somehow gives you the motivation spark? When I was in school all through my art classes I would have my headphones on surrounded by other eager art students just as excited to do nothing all day but artwork. Well that whole room was just filled with that great energy that keeps you fueled to do anything. Then there's the add on of listening to your favorite music to keep you up there as not to lose the momentum that the other students are giving you.

Well now that school is ancient history for the time being it's hard to find that same surge you had in school so for years I've been playing all sorts of movies in the backround that I've seen enough times where im not sitting in front of to watch as I can replay each scene in my head perfectly & trying out different types of music that wont make me get up from my chair & dance or do something more pyshical like cleaning or just put me to sleep. It's not easy to do really when you already have so much trouble sitting down to just friggin do it.
For awhile it's been long a$$ TV series so I wouldn't have to get up & change the disc so often & then Ipod would be the monthly favortie & now this months pic is none other than "Jay & Silent Bob Strike Back"...... Odd I'm not the kinda person anymore to watch those types of movies where every sentence is the F-word, kinda mellowed years ago from the sensitivty that has been growing since then & it's one of thoses movies you catch something new everytime you watch or get the joke you didn't the first time. So out of nowhere I started watching it & BAM! I'm in my studio drawing again so as I'm drawing I have it playing in the background to listen to. :)
I'm guessing that regardless of the constant butt & sex jokes it all boils down to that it's about a comic book that made it to the big screen. I want something similar like that but not into a movie though but something great along those lines. I do have dream of a type of comic/manga book though & it would be cool to see that turned into a show but nothing goofy as Jay & Silent Bob, just something young people can relate to & seek help in that our world isn't encourging enough in yet but will in the future. So thanks for the jump-start Jay & Silent Bob :)

Oct. 18th, 2013



Sooooo bored! When did everything started to get so boring? I used to always have something I wanted to do & for the past few days I can't figure what to do..... or apart from the things I could be doing but don't want to do that is. Was at work all day today & you'd think I'd be tired but I get home & yes I am tired but my mind is still working & want something to do but nothing comes to mind that in my current state I would do.

When did it get so boring?

What I really want to do right is draw or paint but I'd have to clean & organize my paint room to do so & that isn't on the list. I think by the time I get done in there I'd really be tired & then what ever happened to me drawing & painting? GAH!!

I have so many projects I'd like to do but there's just so many that I don't even know where to start! So many great projects with great potential... I wish I had a maid ha ha. Yeah I need a maid first or a personal organizer & oh a cook ha ha. Need money first though..... Does anyone want to clean my house & cook for me for free? Um I'll trade that for a painting :D
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